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Beauty for bottoms

If you were stranded on a desert island, what three beauty products would you bring?

 

Jake: I love that you think we use beauty products. I look like this literally naturally.

 

Simon: I don’t have any eyebrows so it’d have to be eyebrow mascara.

 

Jake: If she was stranded on a desert island, she would need a person to do her eyebrows first of all. [Laughs] Bitch can’t do her own makeup.

 

Simon: A douche. Does that count?

 

Jake: Oh yeah! I would bring a douche, fake blood, and French tip fake fingernails. Why not? She’s ready to get fucked and she’s got her nails done but her face is a mess.

 

Simon: I started using this snail serum that has snail slime in it. It’s from Asia and supposedly it’s really good for you.

 

Alright so douche, fake blood, and French nail set for you, Jake. Simon, you’d bring snail serum, a beautician, and an eyebrow pencil. [Laughs]

 

Simon: That’s fab. 

 

Moving away from the desert island beauty salon, when did you buy your first wig?

 

Jake: When I was a kid. Probably like seven or eight years old?

 

Simon: What about the time she got her first load? [Laughs]

 

Jake: Twelve. Thirteen? Wigs came first as they do, darling. Then came the loads once they got a load of me in my wig.

 

Simon: What are we talking about now? Oh, wigs. I was sixteen. I was a working drag queen when I was sixteen. I handed out fliers for a drag show in Manchester.

 

What was your drag name?

 

Simon: I didn’t have one! Maybe Babes?

 

What’s the secret to picking the perfect one?

 

Simon: I say go to the oldest gay bar you can find. Find the oldest, drunkest queen and ask him what you should be called.

 

Jake: You could be Rosacea Potpourri if you wanted to. Or you can go to Sisters Mag on Twitter, which is literally just a Twitter we have full of drag names.

 

I’ll have to check it out. One more wig question. If you could have the hair of any pop culture icon or character from a TV show or movie, who would it be?

 

Simon: Divine. I love Divine she’s like my mother.

 

Jake: I don’t know. I really only wear my one wig so I don’t really do hair like that. Oh wait, a really nice Hasidic woman’s [haircut]. It’s short, it’s conservative, it’s sexy. It’s all full lace and you can get on M train and nobody will clock you. 

 

What’s your morning routine?

 

Jake: Wake up soaked in my own tears, scream for a half hour, and then leave.

 

No breakfast?

 

Jake: Please! Who do you think I am? Human? No solid food at all.

 

How about you, Simon?

 

Simon: I wake up, turn on Power Rangers because I like cartoons in the morning, I pray, and then I listen to music.

 

What’s the secret to creating the perfect holiday look?

 

Simon: Sexy little panties and a baby doll dress.

 

Jake: I’m Jewish so my essential Hanukah outfit is trying to keep the load in you for eight full days and eight nights, darling. Just like they did in the desert.

 

Ah, yeah it’s easier for people who celebrate Christmas. That’s just two days of holding it in but that’s also a holiday focused around someone carrying around a giant sack.

 

Jake: So do I literally. It’s huge.

 

Simon: What?

 

Jake: The sack.

 

Simon: Oh, yeah.

 

Jake: It’s full of gifts, darling. Happy World AIDs Day!

 

Simon: Just spreading the gifts around town.

 

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