Since I can remember, I’ve been a hopeless romantic and pretty sexually driven at that. I lost my virginity at sixteen to my first boyfriend and then took the virginity of my second. I was pretty sexually liberal my teen years as a way of rebelling against my very controlling, Venezuelan Catholic mother. I moved to New York at the age of nineteen and got married to the first guy that laid eyes on me. I’m quick to “fall in love” and my naivety has cost me a lot. As you read through my story, you’ll see it’s been pretty rough. It started off with a guy we can call “W”. W and I dated for about a year, then got married. Nine months into married life, I was over it. I was way too horny to be stuck with just one guy at the young age of twenty-one. W and I ended things spring of ‘08. I quickly moved out and I had a summer of flings, which led me to my next relationship, and longest one I’ve ever been in. We’ll call him “J.”
J and I dated for two and a half years. He treated me like a princess and when he caused me tears, they were actually tears of laughter. He always made me smile. But with time, I eventually grew hostile. The sex was alright but I was stupid and young, and he travelled a ton so I started to move on. Eventually I left him. I was only twenty-four and wanted to fuck other people. When I broke the news to him, he told me he’d been looking at rings. For the first time in two and a half years, I saw J cry. I broke his lil heart, and now I felt like the bad guy. Two weeks after calling it a quits with J, my dad died and I lost my job at the time. They say it always happens in three’s - these life changing tragedies. His passing affected me in ways I’m still processing… and that’s where my drug abuse and promiscuity began.
I fell in love with cocaine and MDMA. It was dreamlike, everyday someone new to take home and play. I felt powerful, sexy, and like my life was a movie. This spiked from so high to so low. A year passed, and I was still heavily using drugs and hooking up with whoever was attractive enough. It was empty as hell and I still don’t know why I felt like I needed to fuck every guy. Then, a hot summer night I was out with some friends and along came who we will refer to as “A.” That’s where the abuse began.
We spent a week together without having sex. We talked and kissed and paved ideas for what was next. We saw a future together and quickly I feel in love… Oh, what Molly can do to your brain when you’re young. Some months passed and then we moved in together. Our hot, steamy romance turned into a horrible love letter. He beat me, not just with his hands and his words… He anally raped me and made me feel like no other man would possibly date me. I stayed with him until I found out he was cheating. Immediately, I saw my love for him fleeting. I found texts from a woman he’d been seeing all along… Only ten minutes after the last time I made him cum. I lost my shit on him and got on a flight. I went back to our place and moved out within a few nights. With my anger, I channeled months’ worth of art, expressing what I was feeling in my aching broken heart.
Some time passed. I was recovering from A, MDMA, cocaine and booze. I was then offered a mural gig and flew to LA. My second day there, I heard from one of my flings from my Molly days- let’s call this one “B.” Tempted as hell (and once again horny), I went and I saw him and fucked because I was lonely. Smitten silly me, laid in his bed, knowing he didn’t care about the thoughts in my head. I left and didn’t see him again for some years. Soon after leaving, he confirmed all of my fears. That fucker had a girlfriend all along and I couldn’t help but feel terribly wrong. Instantly triggered, I thought enough is enough. Fuck feelings, fuck lust, fuck falling in love. I refocused my energy into fully loving myself- committed to fitness and bettering my health.
Fast forward to spring when I visited New York, a vacation to spend time with one of my best friends and her new bloke. He invited me to join them on a trip to his family’s timeshare upstate. I couldn’t help but feel like a third wheel on a date. Upon arrival, three guys walked out the door. First guy I thought, “God, no, you couldn’t pay me enough.” The second was aight but still looked a little rough. Then the third guy came out… and he was my type. Instantly feeling my root chakra tingle, I thought “I’m getting laid tonight”.
That night, my girl and I cooked dinner for the boys. We were enjoying the wilderness and time away from city noise. After dinner, the love birds went for a stroll and I stayed behind with the trio of boys. We climbed on the roof and star-gazed for a while. We talked about life - our ambitions and dreams. We talked psychedelics - and what it all means. Eventually, the talking led to a silence. We fell asleep under the sky. I decided I’d hit the sauna to help calm my mind; I wasn’t ready to fully shut my eyes. The one that I had my eye on- let’s call him “E,” decided he’d join me before going to sleep. In the tiny, hot room, we sat nearly naked. I lost track of the time because the small talk got awkward. Then suddenly, silence surrounded us and he leaned in for a kiss. The kiss led to my lips wrapped around his cock- sweating, gasping for air. I thought this wasn’t enough. We proceeded to take things into the shower; had slippery sex for over an hour. He lusted over me and I enjoyed giving him head and decided to move things to my bed.
We went to my room and fucked two or three more times. I asked if I could shoot the meat between his thighs. He said, “Sure, just make sure you can’t tell that it’s me.” So, I reached for my disposable — another man added to my list of flings. He had to drive back to the city the following morning and I asked if I could see him again before going back to Miami. He replied, “Def.” He then put his number in my phone, kissed me on the forehead, and soon carried on. The rest of the trip is completely a blur. My mind was still playing what had just occurred- I was dickmatized.
Things with E lasted a few more days. He made me feel beautiful and sexually safe. However, the second we parted ways, it always turned into a guessing game. Over time, I would text him to see how he was. Every visit to the city turned into a night of lust. Then I noticed I was becoming attached to this boy and cut all ties with E; I knew my heart and that he would destroy it. A few months passed and so I moved on and that’s when I met “M.” He’s not exactly the smartest one. A hot, ripped model, who rapped on the side. His music was awful… but I loved gazing into his eyes. We fucked a few times but I had to do some research. I very quickly found out that that fool had a girl. Furious as hell, at the fact that I kept attracting unavailable, I decided once again, to make myself unobtainable.
I was back on my fitness, meditation, and healthy living then “C” came along and decided to get near me. Only there was a catch, he lived in London. I viewed the long distance thing as a way for me to get to know him. I don’t know how, but I quickly was smitten and he convinced me he’d move to Miami from Britain. We decided we could buy an old van, road trip cross the states and together we’d make the perfect teammates. I bought into that dream.. dumb silly ol’ me. Pretty quickly, I hated his scent and everything about him it seemed. We dated two weeks and he drained me of money, patience, and love. Every guy was the opposite of what I’d dream of. “How and why would I ever give this shit a shot? Every time I meet someone I’m shit out of luck.” I was numb to ever wanting to date, constantly replaying every fucking mistake.
A few months passed then Art Basel came around the corner. That’s when I met “K.” He was my last and final lay. He seduced me and took me on a lovely date. He made me feel wanted until he got on a plane. We kept in touch, mainly because he wanted to use me… I’m not sure if there was a real connection or if he just found me amusing. Two months later, I flew to New York for a job so I contacted K, I wanted another night for us to lay. He spent the first night at my hotel and came in 30 seconds. That’s right— 30 fucking seconds. And that’s the last time I slept with a man. I won’t bore you with detail on how he was only using me, but I saw him a few more times after that. Then in March I kicked him out of my house as if he were a rat.
I was exhausted of giving so much of myself to these men that just saw me like a toy on a shelf. Completely drained of all sexual desires, I decided it was time to retire. Why was I looking for someone or something outside of me to fulfill me? So, I began a soul searching journey- to get to the root of what was constantly destroying me.
It was Spring, and for the first time I tried ayahuasca and saw all the flaws in myself I’d been ignoring… Shamans refer to this as the dark night of the soul, an aspect of myself I’m still journeying. I had to take a hard look at myself. All along, I was playing victim the cards totally wrong. This is such a profound revelation… A tragic story of one-sided love. How could I attract what I was trying to find when I myself was totally blind. After the buzz of ayahuasca started to wear off, I became deeply depressed and started studying unconditional love.
That’s when I realized the one that was calling my attention for a while was finally single, so I slid in his DMs- I wanted to mingle. He quickly replied “look I’m in Russia” and sent me a selfie he was cute as hell and totally care free. We’ll call him “G”. I was nervous as fuck about him. He was a decade younger than I, but such a stand up guy. I flew to LA his last night of tour and shy as I was, I met him back stage after his show. As soon as I got home, he was in my DM’s. “When were you gonna tell me you were here?” he said. I replied, “I wanted to surprise you my dear” Then, he sent me his number. He was quick to ask me out on a date. I was conflicted knowing about his previous relationship and my own trauma with dating unavailable men… So I asked “Do you still have a girlfriend?” He replied, “No, but it’s complicated”. Believing his words, I took him up on the date and we hung out several times. It was really great.
We went to the renaissance fair with some friends, took pictures, ate junk food and communicated with our eyes instead of words. He took me to dinner later that night and we chatted about life. After eating, I asked if we could spend more time, just him and I. He called his friends that were in his home and said he needed them all to be gone.
We rolled up a blunt and watched Planet Earth on his couch. Adorable G fell asleep like a lil mouse. I kissed his forehead and went on my way; after twenty-six shows, I wanted some time to dream for a day. The following morning, he woke up and sent me hearts and said, “I’m really crushing hard, don’t break my heart, can I see you again?” I decided I wanted to give it a try and told him we should shroom together that night. He supplied the mushrooms… I nervously walked into his house. The soundtrack playing tied knots in my stomach and made me feel slightly aroused. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t sleep with another man. This was a challenge I was totally ready to land. As soon as I got there, his friends started to pour out and suddenly, it was just me and G alone on his couch. We walked to the store to get chocolate to wash down the mushrooms… Every time I glanced at him, my heart sank deeper and deeper in my womb. We got back to his place and gulped the shrooms down.
He showed me the collection of stuffed animals he had around his house. I was starting to trip when he played Crystal Castles. He wouldn’t stop pacing back and forth… So, gently, I grabbed his hands and made him sit down. I couldn’t wait longer, so I leaned in for a kiss. The visuals I had were terrifying but oddly felt like bliss. I was fucked, thinking, “Why did I do this to myself? Fall for a boy unaware of his health?” I saw he was dying and it killed me inside… But I focused on being totally present that night. We laughed and we cried and told each other our stories. He held my hair as I puked in his toilet while sobbing. With tears in his eyes he looked deep into mine- barely spitting the words he was having difficulty to combine. “I don’t know how people say these things, I don’t want to frighten you, I just have to say I love you”. I paused because I felt it myself- fell in love from the second I met him. He was a reflection of me… and I of him- I found my twin flame, and soon it was going to end. I barely slept that night. I tried hard to stay present but his words were so cryptic I couldn’t wrap my head around this blessing. If I could love the reflection of myself in another, then I can direct that to the one needing the love the most… me.
I started to grieve him after the last time we kissed, knowing that fleeting moment I would always miss. I met someone amazing who cried in my arms and told me he loved me without having to charm me down to a totally nude body. He showed me I didn’t have to fuck everybody. I now knew the difference between lust and intimacy. I knew parts of me I didn’t ever want to see. I knew in order to love unconditionally, you must accept all the good and the bad… the parts of yourself you didn’t wish you had. I created a bond with this beautiful boy but knew I couldn’t hold on, no matter how much he caused me joy. The months passed and I was still deeply in love. G was so special and he truly showed me real love.
That Story still plays in my mind every single day, that beautiful May night, how could I possibly replace G with another guy. I learned the importance of why I had to covet my sexual desires and direct that energy onto myself. I learned the importance to stay pure to protect me from what’s been harming my health. It’s been a year since the last time I slept with a man. I don’t know when I’ll be doing that again. I just learned that to love, you have to accept your darkest parts. Don’t play yourself or ignore yourself. Just take the time and truly love yourself.
- Text and photos by Marilyn Rondón
- Edited by Lindsay Alexander