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Unsolicited Advice from Haley Dahl

1. You are right.


2. Always tell the truth, because when you lie you have to build an entire version of the universe in your head proving what you are saying is true. Then you have to maintain that universe until the day you die. Having too many alternate realities will fragment your personality.


3. Learning to excel in scenarios where you are totally miserable is essential to Becoming Great. Equally important is to one day wake up and decide to never do anything you hate Ever Again.


4. The hypothetical jokes you make are your genius ideas that you are afraid of being judged for; make a rule that you have to do them all. If you say out loud, “man, this party blows, I should totally get on the table and pee-pee on the ice sculpture,” you now have to do that. Not every impulse is The One, but getting comfortable with following through with them anyway will make you brave.

5. Doing things you say you are going to do is like taking a syringe full of self-esteem and injecting it straight into your arm veins. (Arm veins? Sure.) ALWAYS do what you say you are going to do. Even if it’s tiny or huge, takes a minute or takes years. Your ability to trust yourself is The Whole Thing.


6. God existing is way more interesting than God not existing. Be a Good Man. Try to go to Heaven. Find meaning in everything because Nihilism is so, so boring.

7. Delusion is a really nifty and potent drug. Pick the version of reality that is the most interesting and blow it up to its largest extreme. Live in that. You get to decide what is true; you are the one who is right.


8. This matters maybe most of all and maybe more than anything. If you work at a strip club in the United States of America, you are probably hired as an “independent contractor” rather than an “employee”. In many states, this is a labor law violation because “dancing” is not considered a “special skill” under California state law, or most other state laws. You are owed ten thousand dollars as a mislabeling fee plus all of your wages. No matter what they had you sign, even if you signed an arbitration agreement promising not to sue it is just meant to scare you. All of it is void because they hired you under illegal terms. Suing is very easy and they will probably settle for less outside of court. It kind of takes a long time, but all you have to do is go in and sign a few pieces of paper; it is not traumatizing and you make money. So if you quit or are fired you should immediately call the law offices of Robert Starr and Adam Rose, who are the only law team specializing in Exotic Dancer Rights. In order to settle, I HEAR, you will have to sign a NDA promising to never tell anybody about what happened. But all of this is information that I have COME UPON RANDOMLY through WORD OF MOUTH. You know? Sue.

9. Wake up in the actual morning.


10. Technological and emotional shortcuts are a trap. Drown in your horrible ugly feelings and do everything the long way. You do not get a prize at your funeral for having done as little as possible while being alive. It isn’t about what you can get away with.


11. Important advice I got from my friend Ember Knight was to think of decisions as the part of a game show, where you know what prize to expect behind door one, and it is fine. And behind door two, is either nothing at all or everything. Commit to picking door two every single time; it will usually be nothing, but one day it will be everything.  


12. How to know if your art is good: if a child wouldn’t like it, it is bad.


Keep up with Sloppy Jane here. 

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