Even Mike Pence Fucks
Read Gideon's two poems, "Mike Pompeo's Nipples" and "My 7 Minutes in Heaven with Steve Mnuchin," below.
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Meet North London Tattoo Legend Lal Hardy
Where were you born?
London.
Where do you feel most comfortable?
London.
What quality do you think defines you most?
Not for me to say — I’m sure others see various qualities in all of us.
What do you look for in a companion?
Companionship, humor, and humanity.
What is your biggest weakness?
Low confidence at times.
What is your biggest strength?
I haven’t found it yet.
What has surprised you most in life?
The things life throws at us unexpectedly.
What does your perfect day look like?
Blue skies, seeing a green woodpecker or a fox, smelling fragrant roses in my garden, meeting nice people, and realizing that despite all the negatives, this old world really has some beautiful and amazing things right in front of our noses.
What is your favorite color?
Blue.
Who are your favorite fictional characters?
Elliot Riley and Cyril Parks, the tattooists in the book The Electric Michelangelo by Sarah Hall.
Who or what is your biggest inspiration?
In tattooing, Don Ed Hardy, but in life, my Nan was inspirational. On the world stage, so many people in so many walks of life have inspired me. Some of them are still living but most are in the past.
What is your favorite food?
Italian.
What quality do you dislike most in someone?
Rudeness or self-entitlement.
What is your earliest memory?
Cuddling my mum and dad.
What is your biggest luxury?
Not having to pay a mortgage or rent.
How do you show someone you love them?
It depends on what definition of love we are talking about; love is very malleable and it comes in many forms. I love many people in different ways and I’m sure they know the love I show them.
What is your biggest achievement?
I don’t think I've achieved it yet.
Meet Scarlett Cannon
Where were you born?
Sutton, Surrey (suburban south London).
Where do you feel most comfortable?
In my home, or somewhere quiet and peaceful in nature.
What quality do you think defines you most?
Realness, integrity, and humanity. I don't do fake. I don't care what other people think about me. I care what I think about myself because I know that my standards are very high.
What do you look for in a companion?
I have my companion, my dog Bette. She is loyal and loving, fun and sweet, and at times extremely cheeky.
What is your biggest weakness?
Ignoring my instincts.
What is your biggest strength?
Trusting my instincts.
What has surprised you most in life?
Having a chronic pain condition with multiple tedious symptoms has made my physical life much smaller, and at times caused me to want to leave the planet. But through learning to manage it, and having no choice but to completely reassess my life, I've gone deep, and actually become a much better person. That's been a big surprise. A bittersweet but nonetheless welcome surprise.
What does your perfect day look like?
Perfect day is by the sea. It's warm with a gentle breeze, the beach is sandy and wide and empty, and I can sit on a rock and relax, while Bette can run around. A good ice cream afterwards tops the day off nicely. I'm a woman of simple pleasures.
What is your favorite color?
Red, orange, pink or a combination of all three. But I love all colors!
Who are your favorite fictional characters?
Mrs. Taggart, the one-eyed mother in The Anniversary, as played by Bette Davis in her eye patch. She's deliciously evil!
Who or what is your biggest inspiration?
There are too many things and too many people to choose one, or even a handful. Nature is a massive inspiration for me. The young people organising themselves in protest against the Israeli genocide of the Palestinians is extremely inspiring. I am my own inspiration.
What is your favorite food?
That varies depending on my mood. I'm 47 years vegetarian, and I like simple but delicious food. Pasta with spinach, garlic and cream sauce is always a favorite, and easy to make. I always thought I could live on good dhal and rice. I love South Indian food particularly. My current favorite for eating out is Fat Ted's Streat Food in Sheringham, Norfolk. It's a takeaway and set up in a wooden shed, and their dirty fries with avocado, hummus and halloumi are absolutely delicious. But I'm in London so I only get to eat from here if I'm holidaying in the area!
What quality do you dislike most in someone?
Fakery. Lack of integrity, humanity, or conscience.
What is your earliest memory?
I must have been somewhere between 18 months and 2 years old. It was morning and I was in the kitchen with my family on a summer day, with the sun streaming in. I said "hold on" in answer to something, and my brother grabbed and pulled my hair, and I squealed. It was his 13-year old boy's idea of a joke. I said hold on so he held on. To my hair.
What is your biggest luxury?
Waking up every day. Life is a luxury so I need to make the most of it.
How do you show someone you love them?
By being truthful and honest.
What is your biggest achievement?
Still being here. Still walking, albeit with pain. Knowing who I am.
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Kyota Umeki Preserves a Piece of East Village History
He designs every charm, trinket, and piece of clothing in Star Shop, reflecting his DIY and personal approach to the store’s uniqueness. The shop thrives on word of mouth, and at times, Umeki even makes the @starteam.eastvillage Instagram account private, reinforcing his belief in keeping the shop grounded in community rather than the internet’s spotlight. For this cover story, we paid a visit to the shop where Umeki reflected on its roots, his love for the neighborhood, and how he’s keeping the spirit of Tompkins alive — one star-emblazoned piece at a time.
Where are we?
Welcome, office. My name is Kyota, and we're at the Star Shop.
What’s your morning ritual?
I really like city-biking downtown. That always gets my focus right, and helps me think of all of my tasks for the day.
What do you eat for breakfast?
If I stop at a deli, usually a cinnamon raisin bagel toasted with cream cheese and jelly, plus an iced coffee with milk and two sugars. I’m back into using the Dunkin Donuts app to get free coffee and really good deals.
What inspired you to start Star Team?
Definitely everyone I grew up skating with at Tompkins. Those are my day ones, they motivate me the most. They remind me of how fast things change and let me know how important it is to stay active. We created this environment where we can try anything.
And what about the shop?
All of my friends who hang out there motivate me. I think it’s important to have a lot of people observing changes in you, whether they're good or bad. These peers shape who I am and the community I’m trying to build. I have nothing without the friends I hang out with.
If you weren’t running the Star Shop, what would you be doing instead?
Probably making pastries. I love cafes. A pastry shop with my own coffee mix is definitely a later goal.
The day before our one-year anniversary, my friend was like, ‘You’ve never slept at the store.’ So I ended up crashing behind the counter that night.
Is there a place in NY that’d break your heart to see disappear?
So many food spots. A lot of my favorites closed during the pandemic. I can’t even name just one.
What's your favorite part about the stuff you sell?
It’s like a gift shop for Tompkins. We sell East Village gifts, charms, bracelets and clothing I design.
Where’s this bench from?
Yeah, this bench is the original from Tompkins actually, before they renovated a couple years ago — it has like ten layers of olive paint on it. Steve Rodriguez drove it here and gifted it to me after we opened. It's probably the most important artifact in the shop.
And you grew up around here, right?
Yeah I was born and raised like three blocks away. My parents still live there. I went to high school on 12th street and spent every lunch break at Tompkins. That community is still a big part of my life. I don’t think I’d be able to have this going the way it is now without them.
What year did you release your first piece of clothing?
Maybe like 4 or 5 years ago. We started with screen-printed t-shirts, but the pants were the first product to really take off. It’s wild to see the star logo everywhere.
What’s your favorite part about people visiting the store?
Honestly, meeting people who don’t even skate but are still into the brand. We have a very niche audience.
Do you think people learn about the brand more through word of mouth or social media?
I think it's mostly word of mouth. I like to keep the Instagram page private. It keeps things more subtle and surprising when people actually come into the store or see it in the street. It feels more special when people find us in person. A lot of brands blow up online, but I want the shop to be a place people experience when they walk in, not just through a screen. I'm more proud of my shop than my website design.
What’s one of your favorite interactions in the store?
I like when like 15 of my homies pull up just to chill. It’s always at maximum capacity, just hanging out, watching TV, drawing and kicking it. It feels like the main menu of a game before we all accomplish our missions.
Does the shop remind you of places you used to go growing up?
For sure. It’s like the skate shops I used to hang out at, like Labor on Canal Street. I’d spend hours there, just chilling. It’s cool to see the reflection doing the same here.
What’s the wildest thing that’s happened here?
The day before our one-year anniversary, my friend was like, “You’ve never slept at the store.” So I ended up sleeping behind the counter that night. I had to do it. I got some work done too.
