Nothing Compares 2 U

The last time I’d been to this Lower East Side restaurant, which turned from one hot spot to another, I was sitting across from my ex-girlfriend and her friend from college. Except, unbeknownst to me, the friend didn’t know I was her girlfriend, and even more than that, my girlfriend didn’t tell me that ahead of time. 

I couldn’t help but pick at my plate, nauseated and barely putting two words together, for the entirety of the four-hour affair. There is nothing quite like the feeling of being consumed by the thought that you are, in fact, a secret to be kept hidden. Sitting in the uncomfortable chair that I took to make everyone else more comfortable, I stared into the mirror that faced me and caught glimpses of my sour face. Now, in retrospect, I know that what I saw wasn’t just my distraught reflection, but a reflection of what I believed about intentional relationships, ethical non-monogamy, and my own desires. 

To not put it simply, the way I live and breathe and work and fuck and love and write and admire is all in direct opposition to this. This secret-keeping, sad relationship with an avoidant could not have been more unlike me. As a friend said to me six months after we broke up, my life and way of being in relationships is, and has always been, the antithesis of this.

It’s been two years since then, and now, finding my way back to this very restaurant at the invitation of a dating app I use often, it seems apt that I’d be, once again, staring into my reflection. Enter: Feeld’s newest self-discovery tool, which, as you might guess, is called Reflections. Designed to help folks look within, the tool brings about thoughtful, provocative, and inspiring questions that aim to show your true desires, boundaries, or relationship preferences, whether that’s monogamy, non-monogamy, or something in between. 

As someone who shares her life as a bisexual, polyamorous woman married to a man, I can say that I know myself pretty well. But that is certainly not the case for everyone. For some folks — even those among the moody, winding dinner tables of fresh faces, striking glitter eyes, bleached eyebrows, and sex appeal I found myself at — they don’t. Or, maybe they do, but they haven’t thought about it in a while. Or, more likely, they haven’t slowed down enough to look themselves in the face and practice the act of noticing. What’s happening in there? What do I actually want and need? Am I doing this for someone else? Do I actually want to peg someone or is this just a fantasy that can stay that way? Is this all a performance? Why does the very essence of a tattooed fuck boy send me spiraling? What would happen if I said yes to my deepest desires and no to what doesn’t feel aligned?

Reflections acts as a short form to answer those. The nitty-gritty, afterthought of questions. Things we might push under the rug, for a rainy day or the next time we eat Chinese food in the bathtub. Even for me, who has sat with my inner work again and again, the tool has helped me discover a few things, too. Like that, I could never be kept a secret again. Or I want to be publicly flogged at the sex party I’m going to this weekend. Or hey, that I actually love when my husband shares his non-monogamous journey with me, but that I don’t need to meet his partners every time.

I looked across the table at the different faces, amid steaming, spicy prawns which some people would call inappropriate for a press dinner. A slew of libations were being thrown back, olives, and sexy cheeses I could not eat, but wished for. I sat next to a man I thought I’d have nothing in common with, who surprised me with his wit, charm, and dating profile. The tables were squeezed so tightly with chairs that our knees touched underneath. Strangers become something different, something lovely, something new. On each plate, there was a name card complete with a question. Mine read, “Is it normal to have no desire at all?” When I read it, I thought and then said aloud, “Well, yeah, if you’re asexual.” That’s certainly not me. But hey, at least I know that.

It sparked a conversation about celibacy, the spilling of sexual energy, and how often I masturbate. Another person read out their question, “Is it normal to go through your partner’s phone?” To that, the whole restaurant roared with different opinions, against the loud DJ set playing to my right. Another: “Is it normal to have fantasies?” The question struck me as obvious, but when I listened to the answers around the room, I realized that, for many people, it’s not. 

For many people, their norm is to live with shame and guilt for their desires, or rather, the repressions of their true selves. When it comes down to it, I’d argue that most people just haven’t taken the time to discover what makes them tick. Or not. While the world is busy prioritizing success and status and moving as fast as possible, it’s easy to forget that love and sex and boundaries and self-actualization in the form of expression are just as, if not more, important. Reflections exist to remind us of that. And the beauty of spaces like this, and tools like Feeld’s, is that it opens up possibilities and safety and freedom to truly explore, with just yourself.

In the dim red lighting, I think back to that awful evening across from a woman I loved. I stared into my reflection and asked, What else is there? As it turns out, so much more.