online girlie: unplugged vol. III – When the Party Punches Back

ALASKA wears TOP by NALIN CHAN STUDIO, SKIRT by VAQUERA c/o of BABY ARCHIVE PRINCESS, HEELS by DIOR c/o BABY ARCHIVE PRINCESS

Read vol. 3 below, revisit vol 1. here, and submit your questions for next time.

“I am trying to find the balance between real life and partying. I can tell from your activism and column that you are deeply in touch with yourself, but also always seem to be the life of the party, carrying the carry weekend after weekend. How do you find your balance, and how do you hold yourself accountable? You seem to be pulling it off well, but is that a disguise? Would really love to hear more about this balance between the superficial, high strung New York nightlife scene and the deep connections we all need to make with ourselves. Xoxoxo”

This one stopped me in my tracks.

For the past few years, I’ve (intentionally or not) semi-branded myself as a Party Girl. (Some of us were about that life before brat summer!) Actually, the idea for this column came to me on the dancefloor. A girl I’d met briefly approached me in the midst of me dissociating in a sweaty, crowded club and asked a super personal question out of the blue. I was caught off guard and initially dismissive, but the more I thought about it, the more I wished that I had answered her. I know how hard it can be to feel brave when reaching out for advice or a guiding hand, especially in high energy environments like the club.

Even as a Party Girl I’ve tried to balance my sense of self and stay true to what I believe to be important outside of nightlife — no matter how big a part of my life it became. I look to others for guidance in my daily life (and at the club, let’s be real), and I realized that I had an opportunity to be that for another person and I’d missed out on it.

If I’ve convinced you that I’ve mastered the balance between real life and partying, then I’m either more delusional than I thought, or you are. Truthfully, I don’t think anyone pulls it off seamlessly. I know girls who party professionally who are hanging on by a thread. I know people who party for 3 days straight and then grind at their salaried jobs until they can do it again the next weekend. I know people who have mommy and daddy’s money who can hardly walk straight on the way to the cab after a night out, heading back to their apartment where they spend the next 48 hours spiraling. The thing about partying is that it’s equally as good at creating a dreamworld of distractions as it is revealing who needs a reality check.

When partying became the biggest part of my life, I began to wonder if cutting it out cold sober was what I needed to be a “better” version of myself. The older I get and the more time I take to myself, the more I realize that moderation works a lot better for me. I’ve learned that balance isn’t about being perfect, it’s about awareness. There were times when it was harder to come by; definitely when I was partying more than was good for me. I’m lucky to have people close to me who helped me look at myself from their perspective and see my own habits, or patterns, in a new light. It’s important to have people in your life that can help keep you accountable. It teaches you how to hold yourself accountable, too.

ALASKA wears TOP by DOLCE & GABBANA c/o BABY ARCHIVE PRINCESS, BELT by VAQUERA c/o BABY ARCHIVE PRINCESS

The thing about partying is that it’s equally as good at creating a dreamworld of distractions as it is revealing who needs a reality check.

Asking myself hard questions, like why I go out so much, or considering what it’s really doing for me is a recurring practice. A lot of people don’t care about themselves enough to even question their own behavior, so if you get into the habit of doing so, you’re already a step ahead.

These moments of reassessment allow for you to take a breath and consider how your habits are laying a foundation for your daily life. If you’re at peace with what you invest your time into (whether it’s real life, partying, or both) and how it affects not just yourself but also those around you, then you’re doing just fine. Secondhand opinions and input are always good to have as well because accountability isn’t just internal.

When I changed my perspective on the role partying played in my life, that’s when I was able to restructure the tools that the universe was giving me by spending so much time with other people. You learn to be vulnerable, strong, confident, broken and bold all in its own time because you can’t ever truly predict what the night will bring. Flirt! Release yourself in a dance. Meditate, carry, pray, repeat. Intentionally seeking what you can learn from these high energy experiences turns into something that you can give to those around you.

That’s what me and my friends try to focus on, or at least remind each other of. We have an incredible opportunity to radically change how friendship and accountability operate with how much time we spend together on a night out.

It also really impacted my sense of accountability when I went out of my way to nourish my friendships outside of the club. Movie nights, cooking dinner together, days in the park etc… You get to create a life for yourself if you just reach for it. You have to! These worlds don’t have to be separate if you stop running from what the universe is offering you.

ALASKA wears TOP by NALIN CHAN STUDIO, SKIRT by VAQUERA c/o of BABY ARCHIVE PRINCESS, HEELS by DIOR c/o BABY ARCHIVE PRINCESS

A lot of people don’t care about themselves enough to even question their own behavior, so if you get into the habit of doing so, you’re already a step ahead.

Some more things that have helped me maintain my balance between real life and partying:

1. Tidy up your room (or try to) before you leave the house, even if it’s just putting a few things back where they belong. It’s important to have a safe and comfortable space to return to and unwind.

2. Non-negotiable solo time (even if that means leaving a party or event early). It’s easy to get lost in the sauce, in other people, or in the ambience of a room full of people. Taking time to reset or protect your energy makes all the difference. Make some dinner, watch some shitty TV or catch up on some reading / writing / rest. Low energy, high reward!

3. Consider what is important to you! When I realized I was losing time to invest in my personal projects by partying too much, I had to weigh the time I felt like I was losing with what could have been spent broadening my horizons and honing my skills. It wasn’t until I confronted myself with that reality that I had the guts to choose myself and my work. (This is something I had to confront recently when dedicating my time to return to this edition of the column. I’m happy to be back and to be choosing to continue this journey together. I’m not perfect but I will always be transparent!)

4. Asking yourself if you would attend sober or if you’re actually up for small talk. If your answer is no to one or both, maybe it’s time to reconsider. This one took me a while to actually put into practice but this is where the self-awareness as a stepping stone was really impactful.

5. I started jotting things down in my notes app while I was out; things that I wanted to remember when I was less distracted. It was really helpful to return to what I was thinking / feeling in that moment and reflect on how it translated in my real life.

6. Do some self care and drink water before bed / after you go out NO MATTER WHAT. This is also non-negotiable — it tricks your brain into thinking you have your shit together until you actually do. I’m serious! Fake it til you make it, bitch.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the goal isn’t to have it all together (yet). Practice makes perfect. Habits take time to break and even more time to replace, and that’s okay. Your time isn’t wasted if you’re learning things about yourself. Open yourself up to reorienting your thoughts and behaviours – and before you know it you’ll be proud of the time you're spending.

Once you get to a place where your energy invested is productive and meaningful (whether it be the memories you’re making, connections you’re fostering, rest you’re taking, or change you’re implementing), you’ll see that a meaningful life can look like anything. Keep tabs with yourself and the people around you and everything will fall into place with a little bit of accountability and intention. I believe in you :-)

Aaand as always, you can hit me up about it – and in case I haven’t said it before, you can be anyone when you’re a girl online (and on the dancefloor apparently). Bye love u!

online girlie: unplugged

online girlie: unplugged vol. II

December 04, 2024

online girlie: unplugged is an advice column from writer, screentime enthusiast and New York it-girl Alaska Riley exploring the trials and tribulations of coming into your own as she navigates life in the big city. In each volume of online girlie: unplugged, your favorite girl online gets real about what it takes to make your dreams come true, responding to reader-submitted questions and stories with the best advice she has to offer.

Read vol. II below, revisit vol I. here, and submit your questions for next time.

By Alaska Riley
Creative Production & Photos by Brook Aster
Makeup by Kye Quinlan
Styled by Cassie Jekanowski
Styling Assistant Claire Wiseman
Location ALMA Communications
LOOK 1: ALASKA wears FULL LOOK by DSQUARED2
LOOK 2: ALASKA wears DRESS + TOP by PRISCAVERA,
NECKLACE by MARTINE ALI, SHOES by NINA RICCI

"Hi Alaska <3 firstly, I want to say I love how captivating and honest your writing is as its helped me throughout my personal transition :). I'm coming up on 3 months being on estrogen and I'm currently not out yet as I live in the rural south but hope to somehow find a way out. Most of the time it can be very isolating especially in this political climate. How do you keep the isolating and transphobic nature of a small town from overwhelming you? and do you have any tips or advice for a girl going on 3 months? sending my love from texas xoxo”

- Amaris

I think it’s time for a doll check-in.

As I was mulling over the first round of submissions from the launch of this column, I found myself overwhelmed by post-election depression and the looming holiday season. I typically dread the end of the calendar year, but this one feels especially daunting as we brace ourselves for the forthcoming Trump presidency and the annual family-oriented holidays. The weather here in New York City isn’t even offering a romantic snowfall to cope. What the fuck?

The political climate, the actual climate and the holiday season all seem to be teaming up with each other against us. I’ve done enough doomscrolling for the both of us, so I wanted to give you something that would hold you over the holidays.

I’ve been meaning to write an open letter to the dolls back home, and by back home I mean the girls in the south. I see a lot of myself in these girls, from the time before I made it to where I am today.

I remember that same isolation that you are feeling right now. I felt a lot of that for most of my life, even as I became an adult and started transitioning in Oklahoma before moving back to Florida less than a year later. Small towns can feel like they’re the only place in the world when you’re surviving them. It can be exasperating to try to stay sane in a state that actively campaigns against you. I know exactly how it feels, and I want to remind you of something that my trans mother once told me: you’re not going through anything that no one has gone through before.

You aren’t the first person to feel overwhelmed by the circumstances you’re in, which means you aren’t going to be the last person to overcome them.

That might sound harsh or like it’s diminishing what you’re going through, or it might sound like I’m telling you to just grit your teeth and bear it. I’m not. What I’m trying to say is that you aren’t the first person to feel overwhelmed by the circumstances you’re in, which means you aren’t going to be the last person to overcome them.

My best advice is firstly, to stay in close touch with yourself; the version that realized you were more than what you have always been told you could or couldn’t be. I used to spend a lot of time journaling, reading, daydreaming — anything that enriched my inner world when the outside world was unkind to me more often than not. Find ways to be at peace with yourself when you can.

I also found a lot of community online (duhhh), so if you’re able to find friends on the internet that can relate to your experiences or people whom you can look up to while you’re still figuring out your place in the world, it’s like a cheat code. I encourage you to find them in your real life, too, if you can — even if it’s just a few close friends. It’s important to stay grounded, and sometimes a drive around town with a friend or a trip to Target can remind you that you’re here right now and that’s all you have to be. Find little nooks and crannies in your small town that excite you and cling to them. I’ve had some of my most meaningful touch-backs down to Earth in the parking lot of a Walmart or behind the sign in the park that says it closes at sundown. It’s like your town is a little snowglobe and you have to shake it up a little bit to see where you can find some solace.

Some moments of touching back down to earth from the small town days

Photos courtesy of Alaska Riley

I hope you have good people around you, and I want you to know that finding little things to get you through takes time and effort but it will all be worth it. Keep holding on, your future self will thank you :)

Some other things that helped me:

- Concerts in other cities. You get a glimpse of life outside of your small town, meet new people, and get to go to a concert — hello! Traveling for concerts was the first time I started to see how much bigger the world was. It was my first taste of what it would feel like to leave.

- Manifestation. Don’t stop daydreaming. Finstas and journals are a good place to start. Moodboard the life you envision for yourself in ways that make sense for you. It works, I promise.

- Confiding in people about the way I was feeling. I’m thankful you opened up to me! It’s really cool that you did that and it shows that you care for yourself. Hold on to that.

Oh, and as for early transition tips: experiment with makeup! It’s fun even if you don’t wear it very often:) There are lots of tutorials on TikTok and YouTube. Ummmmm take your hormones on time! It was really encouraging for me to watch investing in myself pay off in ways that I can see and touch, especially during the first year of my transition. Be patient with yourself and keep trying new things. And have sex with hot boys. (Or girls! I don’t know what you like.) That’s what I did! It all worked out for me, I think.

Anyways, love ya! Keep up the faith and keep doing what you’re doing. I’m proud of you. I hope this helps, even if just a little bit. This is just one chapter in your story.

As alwaysss: you can be anyone when you’re a girl online. Happy holidays and happy new year too xoxo

online girlie: unplugged

online girlie: unplugged vol. I

October 30, 2024

Read volume 1 below, and submit your questions for next time.

By Alaska Riley
Creative Production & Photos by Brook Aster
Makeup by Kye Quinlan
Styled by Cassie Jekanowski
Styling Assistant Claire Wiseman
Location ALMA Communications
LOOK 1: ALASKA wears FULL LOOK by DSQUARED2
LOOK 2: ALASKA wears DRESS + TOP by PRISCAVERA,
NECKLACE by MARTINE ALI, SHOES by NINA RICCI

I used to dream of this moment.

When I shared the news that I’d have my own column soon with a beloved friend and writer, she called it a rite of passage. I’ve had an excessive amount of dreams for myself in the 24 years that I’ve been alive, and I’ve been lucky enough to see many of them come true already. Growing up in towns where you can count the population on just a few hands often turns people into anticipated archetypes: on one hand, you have the ones who never leave, with their anchoring pride in where they’ve planted their feet. On the other, you have those who never lose the gut feeling that they’re on the brink of something bigger.

I fell in love with words when I was kid: I would fill up entire journals as fast as I could with songs, confessions and complaints, stories and screenplays about my life when I was as young as 10 or 11 years old. I would write down quotes from my favorite books because I wanted to remember how they made me feel — from one word that stuck out to me to a full page from a chapter that choked me up. When my guardians at the group home I grew up in began to read my journals, I started creating anonymous accounts online, hoping to immortalize the places I went inside my head. I found myself on different corners of the internet going by different names. Claiming that kind of agency at my age had been strictly forbidden, but I was a crafty combination of courageous and sneaky. I craved connection and an outlet to share my life with people whom I could relate to; and for the first time in my life, I felt like someone out there could relate to me, too.

I lost track of my love for writing as I got older, especially when I started modeling full time in my early 20s (see above: I’m still in my early twenties!) In the early days after moving to New York City from my tiny town in Florida, my attention span was purely devoted to making the dreams that had always been past an arm’s length into my new reality. If you told me on my $34 one-way flight to Brooklyn that I’d land where I find myself now, I don’t know if I would have believed you. Or maybe I would have, and that’s why I’m here in the first place.

You can be anyone when you’re a girl online.

It was that same year that, through a simple social media bio, I started telling myself and the world that you can be anyone when you’re a girl online. It’s how I got scouted by agencies that flew me across the pond, it’s how I discovered many of my idols and found some of my friends, and now it’s an arena in my pocket of people who, at one time or another, gave a fuck about what I have to say. As one of the greats once said: I’m having a ball in this bitch!

When I started transitioning out of the modeling industry a few years later, it was because I knew that I wanted even more from my life. I knew that I wanted something to bring to the table that came from the heart and meant more to my own wellbeing. Modeling never really gave that to me. The instant gratification that only came every few months (an oxymoron, I know) was draining and drowned out by the repeated blows to my physical and mental health.

I felt aimless for a while. I was broke as hell, but I was having a lot of fun and telling myself that time with my friends was therapeutic, distracting myself from the fear of feeling lost again. No one hands you a guidebook when you step into the real world alone. I’m lucky that the people in my life saw that I was thrashing around in the deep end and decided to wade down and walk out with me.

There’s a lot of pressure to remain diligent and ambitious in a place like New York City. I was settling into my social life very comfortably, although at times the cost outweighed the reward, and my professional life felt lacking. I finally had found community, but my ambitions idled as I measured up comfort against what I knew I was capable of. The thing about silver linings is that they don’t always come to you; sometimes you have to march toward them. Once I opened myself up to the life I wanted and the person that I actually wanted to be, everything changed. I crawled out of the hole I had fallen into when I left the fashion industry, I applied to a job on a whim that changed my life in a matter of months, and I started sharing my writing in longform again for the first time since I was in highschool.

I spent most of the past year sinking myself into my new job, recovering from a series of gender affirming surgeries and dreaming up this column. It all felt like a recommitment to myself, now paying off in ways that I’m only starting to see unfold. As it turns out, I just needed to pop a ‘mone and a whopping dose of tough love. It feels good to have hope for another year, it feels good to be proud of this one. I’m writing this to you to give you some hope, too. Maybe that’s what it’s all about.

Many of you know me as @onlinegirlie, and I’m not logging off anytime soon. I’ve spent the past few years getting to know you, letting you get to know me, and the overwhelming response has reignited my love for spilling my heart out (even if it’s from behind a screen). The times you have stopped me in the club, or caught my attention in a heartfelt DM, to tell me that documenting my life publicly has allowed you to see yourself in someone the way I yearn to see myself in others, too, has inspired me. Your words have given me hope; I’ve learned a lot from my life, and continue to learn more about the world from those who’ve helped me grow and those of you that have grown alongside me.

For the next evolution of onlinegirlie, I’m opening up the forum here at office; in each installment of this column, I’ll be responding to your submissions with anecdotes and the best advice that I can muster as we figure out life together. After all, you can be anyone when you’re a girl online. Might as well be the girl with a lot to say.

TALK TO YOU SOON! Love you =)

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online girlie: unplugged vol. III – When the Party Punches Back

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