In another part of Verse 1, you sing —
I think of twenty-three, humidity, and somebody I loved
I know you said this song is about a past relationship, but I wanted to know a bit more. What does thinking back on 23 make you feel emotionally and what advice would you give someone who is 23 right now?
There was a lot of change during my time in school in New York. But then I had kind of this year after college where it was just very in-between — knowing what I wanted to do, but not doing it. I was nannying every day and songwriting around that and I was just really uncomfortable. It's like, you know where you're going and you know you're close, but you're not there yet. It felt like the bridge between two different points in my life. It was one of the most transitional years of my life because there was so much change down the road that I knew was to come. There were a lot of shifts, but also valuable lessons that I brought with me to LA, just in terms of confidence and aspects within songwriting and knowing that I was supposed to be doing what I was doing. There were a lot of mental things for me to grapple with that year. And it was at the same time as a very serious relationship. But I feel younger at 25 than I did at 23 for some weird reason. Just that year I felt like I was running out of time.
So is that something that you would maybe advise other people to do — trusting in yourself and in your capabilities?
I would say just be trusting that you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. Also, I started therapy at 24, but I definitely could have started at 23. But yeah, I think literally all of your confidence comes from you. At 23, there's no external measurement, like a school model or something like that, where you can be certain that you're 'doing well.' You have to just know that you are what you think you are. I feel like remembering that was hard for me at that time.
Another lyric that I wanted to talk about because it was one that really stuck with me is —
Maybe I'm too narcissistic to be in love or be alone
It stuck with me because I think it's quite profound, and obviously, I can assign my own meaning to it, but I want to know what was going through your mind when writing it.
I felt a lot of guilt for the way this specific relationship ended because my life shifted and I felt that the catalyst of it ending stemmed from me in a way. I think in relationships, when you need things from somebody you can feel like, 'Ugh, I'm just making this mine or I'm just making this relationship cater to me now.' In the past, I didn't want to feel like I was imposing on somebody when really that is what a relationship is. But then also when I'm alone I crave and miss that connection I have with this person. So is it fucking selfish that I just want that?
And I think the reason why it called out to me is because it explains something that I think I have felt as well, but I wouldn't have known how to put it into words. I'm generally a very sensitive person.
Me too. So I feel like sometimes in relationships, that leads people even to question their own motives — when you know your motives and you know that you're a genuinely good person.
In the chorus, you sing —
Open up the door in my mind
To see you inside, hear that song one more time
The idea behind "The Door" is that certain things, like smells, can bring you back, but I wanted to talk about conflating certain songs with certain emotions or points of your life as well. If you had to think of one song that brings you back to that point in your life that you wrote about, what would it be?
Oh my God. There's a lot — the whole 6LACK album that came out, East Atlanta Love Letter, that shit sends me back because it was all I listened to for a while. Also, "Ornament" by Kiah Victoria. I used to listen to that on loop and just go on walks at that time. Shea Butter Baby by Ari Lennox. There were a handful of songs, especially being in New York and you're on the train and you're walking a lot. But the biggest one was "If Love Was Green" by Halima. She's one of my friends I went to school with and she put that song out in the fall of me being 23. It's so tied to that time in my life.
What do you want “The Door” to make others feel when they listen to it?
I mean, I think it's the same with all of my songs — if anyone sees their own life in it, then I think that's what it's for. Because once you write the song and work on it more and more, it slowly becomes less of yours and more for other people in a way, which I think is really beautiful. Especially when you actually put it out — I've listened to this song a bunch since June and had my moments with it and now I get to give it to the world. That means so much to me. That's all I really ever want.