Hi! How are you feeling today?
I am okay today. I am happy to be here. Yesterday I was in pain and I could barely sleep, because I was in the hospital. I've been in the hospital since the 10th of February for an arm fracture and a condition called hidradenitis suppurativa. I also have other disabilities known as cerebral palsy, and anemia. So those are the three disabilities I have currently, and arm surgery. About a week and a half ago, I was at a rehab, called Rocklin Nursing Home where I got reinfected. So I guess, I went on an adventure, it’s called Hospital Gate. I think, for me, one of the things I'm realizing about black people, black men in specific, is we're in a constant state of survival. There is no sense of rest, but what I have learned about my life is that people expect a lot out of me. But a lot of people don't understand how much some of those things take. It takes a lot for me to physically get up and do something. And I think people forget that. Disabled people need rest.
How have you been prioritizing your rest?
Well, I have to. I’ve been sick for like five months with the arm condition, and I had to stop all the work I was doing before. It’s not the same, I’ve certainly tried to be at that same level. But it’s not the same when things change in you’re body. There's nothing you can do about it. I think for me, I've had to accept the changes in my body; where my life is right now, and who I am right now. I think it was hard because I was somebody who was on the go, who was hustling, who was doing a lot. I moved out of out my mother's house when I was 20, and since then I had no need to ask anyone for anything. It's very different. But I think the joy of this experience has been to finally be able to relax, not be obligated to anyone. Sometimes we, as young people, we’re so stuck in our obligations and what we have to do because we're in our 20s and feel like it's passing us by. But it’s okay to say “you know what, no, I'm not going to do this today.” It's okay to take that rest. It's okay to take that vacation.
How does it feel, then, to ask for help?
I would say I'm still adjusting. Because it's new, all of this stuff is new. The sickness the feeling kind of like, what do I do? Now that I was sick? I think I think what I have learned is that it is okay. To not be okay. And it's also okay to like say, You know what, I'm gonna, I'm good there. Now, I'm not doing great. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm lost. I'm confused. I don't know who I am right now. And I think this rebirth is about me. You know, I spent my whole career doing for others working for businesses working for brands, hustling for other businesses, where I sell to do things for other people. But I really didn't know that well. But I mean, for money. So I did what I had to do to get the money, but like, I don't have really solid relationships. I didn't cultivate my relationships, strong enough that they could last. We needed each other for a period of time. And that was it. I was looking at– “oh, maybe I'll need some help down the road.” I wasn’t thinking about needing help or assistance, me and all these services. I think going from being able to do so much to having such a limited capacity and going through rehab and running through all of this rehabilitation of my body. It has been such an adjustment to see myself starting over.