“BbyMutha, I just got ghosted by this guy I was talking to for a month. What do I do?” -Stefon, 23, Wisconsin
Fuck his friend. You fuck his friends! You fuck all of his friends—as many of them as you can. You fuck his dad. I bet he’ll come back. He won’t be a ghost anymore. Yeah, fuck his friends.
“BbyMutha, my mom was a bitch to me. How do I start trusting girls again?” -Anna, 22, New York
Yo, I don’t even know what to tell you because I had that same shit. My mom’s relationship with me kind of affected the way my friendships work, but it was in the opposite way. I didn’t push people away from me, I wanted more people around me because I wanted a female figure in my life. My dad raised me, so.. I don’t know. I have no advice for that shit. To be honest, bro, there’s nothing to even trust. When you know there are good people around you, you can feel that shit. You don’t have to question whether you should trust them or not. You’ll know when you need to trust somebody—you shouldn’t trust everybody any-fucking-way. You’re doing the right thing. Definitely don’t push people away, but don’t make it your mission to be all in people’s faces. It’s okay to be how you are. The world is fucked up, it’s okay.
“BbyMutha, how do you get over your ex when the dick was really bomb? Serious question.” -Donald, 23, Grand Rapids
Go find some more bomb ass dick. The solution to getting over a nigga is another nigga. It’s not always the best solution, but if you’re that pressed, just go fuck somebody else! When I can’t shake a nigga, I go fuck another nigga, and I don’t think about that nigga anymore. And eventually, that nigga comes back, especially if they know you’re happy and got some new dick in your life. They definitely be like, “What’s up? Where you been?” Stop caring about these niggas so much.
“BbyMutha, I’ve recently gained ten pounds from smoking weed. Is this enough of a reason to stop?” -LeLe, 25, Los Angeles
Why you do that?! No! No. Hell no. That’s not a good reason to stop smoking weed. There’s nothing wrong with gaining weight, I’m sure somebody likes it. If you like to smoke weed, smoke weed. If you don’t like to be fat, then stop smoking weed. But…
“BbyMutha, I’m totally straight, but last night I made out with a girl I met at a concert and felt less than straight. What does it all mean?” -Rhonda, 26, Las Vegas
It just means you made out with a girl. I don’t know why sexual orientation is such a big deal right now, like… Kiss whoever you want. There’s such a thing as platonic intimacy. You can kiss people and not even be sexually attracted to them—you just wanted to make out with somebody, and it’s strictly platonic. If you don’t think you’re gay, you’re not gay.
“BbyMutha, how do I get my brain to produce serotonin naturally?” -Junior, 22, Texas
I have no idea, I’m a depressed ass bitch. Do you not listen to my music? The answer is: when you find out, let me know because I have no fucking idea.
“BbyMutha, is it okay to block my religious grandma on Instagram?” -Jack, 24, New York
Please block your religious grandma! It’s completely okay.
“BbyMutha, what was wrong with the toilet in ‘Mother’s Day Intro'”? -Anonymous
She shitted, and when she tried to flush it, it wouldn’t go back. It looked like a bowling ball. I don’t even know how that came out, but I had to plunge the toilet pretty much.
“BbyMutha, I’m going to be a dad soon and have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. How do I not fuck this up?” -Larry, 32, Massachusetts
You’re asking the wrong person—I’m still fucking shit up! There’s no way to not fuck it up. You are going to fuck it up, but you have to acknowledge when you fuck up and try to move forward from that and not fuck up again. But especially if it’s your first child, you’re going to fuck up. Don’t give your baby mama no hard ass time, I will say that. Don’t make it more difficult for her just because you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.
“BbyMutha, my landlord won’t fix my washing machine, and I’m out of clean panties. What should I do?” -Shannon, 20, New York
Who wears panties anymore? It’s 2018. But can’t you sue your landlord? Or just go to a laundromat, bitch, what the fuck?! Just don’t wear panties, it’s bad for your vajayjay.
“BbyMutha, I’m a gay man that keeps falling for straight boys. What am I doing wrong?" -Emil, 21, Oklahoma
I’m a bisexual woman that keeps falling for gay men. We can help each other out. You call me, and we can figure this shit out together, bitch, because I have no fucking idea. I love gay men, and I don’t know why. So I don’t know.
“BbyMutha, I’m a junior at NYU majoring in Communications. I’m making great money doing sponsored posts on Instagram, and I’m thinking of dropping out to focus on influencing full-time." -Cassandra, 23, New Jersey
Isn’t your major relevant to what you’re doing on Instagram as an influencer? It’s never a bad idea to be educated. Don’t drop out of fucking school. Why do you have to drop out of school to be an influencer, anyway?! You have your phone in your hand all the time, don’t drop out of fucking school!
“BbyMutha, how is it possible to get over a boy that I haven’t gotten under? We spent two months ‘taking things slow’ before he moved on.” -Emma, 21, London
That’s why he moved on, bitch! No shade—you don’t owe your pussy to nobody—but that’s why he moved on, forreal, forreal. Cause niggas ain’t shit. So you should be over him because if he couldn’t wait for your pussy, then you shouldn’t be fucking with him in the first place. So you should be over that nigga. He didn’t deserve your coochie or you, so you shouldn’t even be thinking about him.